While researching attachment and bonding, I came across the Infant Attachment Checklist, a 27-item measure used in the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in infants and toddlers:
- Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy
- Resists comforting or nurturance
- Resists or dislikes being held
- Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact
- Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)
- Likes playpen or crib more than being held
- Rarely cries (overly good baby)
- Angry or rageful when cries
- Exceedingly demanding
- Looks sad or empty-eyed
- Delayed milestones (creeping, crawling, etc.)
- Stiffens or becomes rigid when held
- Likes to be in control
- Does not hold on when held (no reciprocal holding)
- When held chest to chest, faces away
- Doesn't like head touched (combed, washed)
- Generally unresponsive to parent
- Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes
- Overly independent play or makes no demands
- Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent
- Little or reduced verbal responsiveness
- Does not return smiles
- Shows very little imitative behavior
- Prefers Dad to Mom
- Gets in and out of parents lap frequently
- Physically restless when sleeping
- Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)
I'm not sure how I feel about RAD diagnosed in infancy and toddlerhood. Personally, through hearing how I behaved during this period, I could check off several items on this list. I was a non-responsive baby. Originally, my foster mother sent me to the doctor twice because she felt I slept too much. After everything checked out the first time, she sought a second opinion. I was given several tests: thyroid, hearing, a metabolic screen, and an EEG. There was "some abnormality due to low amplitude of responses." But I could hear, the experts just didn't know how I responded the way I did.
It will be interesting to see what future research discovers about infant bonding and attachment.
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Photo retrieved from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/rie-and-attachment-theory-why-earliest-relationships-matter-the-21st-annual-rie-conference-featuring-sir-richard-bowlby/
While watching the Oprah episode "Family Secret," where Oprah revealed her recent discovery and reunion with her half-sister, I was touched by Oprah's words to her mother. "Let the shame go" she said, in regards to the shame her mother holds for placing her daughter up for adoption. I would add, however, that I believe it is important for every member in the adoption triad to let go of the shame.
There have been many bloggers posting about this story the past couple of days. Whether you believe Oprah was in the dark about her half-sister or not, I feel it is important to note her words about shame. Shame can be experienced in all members of the adoption triad; birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees.
Society casts an ugly judgmental cloud onto unmarried pregnant women. As a result, birthmothers often experience shame through the events leading them to become pregnant. In addition, birthmothers feel shame when placing a child. Shame in adoptees is often experienced as though "there must be something wrong with me or she wouldn't have given up." For adoptees, I say this: in order to let go of the shame, you must love and accept your true self. It was not your fault. Adoptive parents may feel shame over their infertility. Society's views on what constitutes the ideal "traditional family" may cause parents to feel like they have been cursed and have shame in themselves for their inability to bear children.
So how do we all let go? First, we need to acknowledge we feel shame. This can be the most difficult for some people. It is hard to recognize our own emotions and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Second, we need to understand where the shame comes from. Then, finally, we need to accept ourselves for who we are (our true self) and let the shame go.
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Photo retrieved from: http://www.mushin.eu
In order to protect readers and myself, I've added a disclaimer. Please take a look here! I'm also still working with the new title. I'm very indecisive!
