Letting Go of Shame

While watching the Oprah episode "Family Secret," where Oprah revealed her recent discovery and reunion with her half-sister, I was touched by Oprah's words to her mother. "Let the shame go" she said, in regards to the shame her mother holds for placing her daughter up for adoption. I would add, however, that I believe it is important for every member in the adoption triad to let go of the shame.


There have been many bloggers posting about this story the past couple of days. Whether you believe Oprah was in the dark about her half-sister or not, I feel it is important to note her words about shame. Shame can be experienced in all members of the adoption triad; birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees. 


Society casts an ugly judgmental cloud onto unmarried pregnant women. As a result, birthmothers often experience shame through the events leading them to become pregnant. In addition, birthmothers feel shame when placing a child. Shame in adoptees is often experienced as though "there must be something wrong with me or she wouldn't have given up." For adoptees, I say this: in order to let go of the shame, you must love and accept your true self. It was not your fault. Adoptive parents may feel shame over their infertility. Society's views on what constitutes the ideal "traditional family" may cause parents to feel like they have been cursed and have shame in themselves for their inability to bear children. 


So how do we all let go? First, we need to acknowledge we feel shame. This can be the most difficult for some people. It is hard to recognize our own emotions and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Second, we need to understand where the shame comes from. Then, finally, we need to accept ourselves for who we are (our true self) and let the shame go. 


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Photo retrieved from: http://www.mushin.eu

Rejection and the Adult Adoptee

After 14 interviews, 5 rejection letters, 2 rejection phone calls, and zero job offers, I felt compelled to blog about job rejection. Since I am an adult adoptee, and after extensive soul searching and therapy, I have found the issues I have with rejection are directly related to the fact that I was adopted. I take rejection as a personal attack on my sense of self.


Nancy Verrier, a psychotherapist and adoptive mother, briefly wrote about her experiences with adoptees and their issues with work and rejection. In her book, the Primal Wound she states:

Now while many people would just go on to the next interview and keep pursuing it until a job was found, the adoptee will often feel paralyzed by that initial rejection. It is felt, not just as failure to have the necessary skills or training for the job, but as a rejection of the basic person. He was not good enough for the job. He was a failure. This makes going out and facing the next interview seem like a monumental task.

I really connect to Verrier's words, like she is personally speaking to me. She goes on to describe how the fear of rejection may be connected to a sense of unworthiness felt by the adoptee, ending in self-sabotage:

The fear of rejection in the workplace is often accompanied by a fear of success or an inability to believe in one's competency or expertise. There is a kind of self rejection of one's own talents and capabilities, which sometimes results in a sabotaging of one's success.

Many people can recall their first experiences of rejection; getting picked last in gym class or not being able to play with the "cool" kids on the playground in elementary school. For adoptees, on the other hand, we cannot remember our initial reactions to our abandonment at birth (unless you were adopted at an older age). We, as adoptees, don't have a reference point for our early experiences with rejection. What often ends up happening, is a belief develops into thinking that one's personal value is the reason for the rejection. In my personal experiences with rejection, particularly in regards to jobs, I often think I was not "good enough" as a person or that I was "unworthy" for the job.


However, everybody experiences rejection throughout the course of their life; whether it is through significant others, school, sports teams, and in the workplace. So, if everybody encounters rejection some point in their life, why do some react more strongly than others?

In my opinion, the answer to that question comes down to how each individual deals with loss. Adoptees, like myself, were faced with the loss of her biological mother at a very young and vulnerable age (in my case, in infancy). Being unable to mourn with the loss of one's biological mother, the person may not be able to effectively cope with later losses in life. In dealing with rejection, the inability to cope comes in many forms, including; personalization ("I must have said something wrong during the interview"), catastrophizing ("I'll never find a job," "I am going to lose my house," etc.), or even denial ("I didn't even want that job in the first place").


So how do we get over the negative beliefs of ourselves and stop taking rejection so personally? We first need be aware that there is a problem and we need to be motivated to change how we think about ourselves. The biggest challenge for me is to remind myself that it wasn't my fault. It was nothing I did or did not do... I am who I am and the best employer for me will realize this. My day will come...

The Emotional Dangers of Facebook

*Post Removed by Author*

Finding My Birth Mother

It has been 10 days since I found my birthmother. I am over the initial shock, as I found her only on a whim the day after Thanksgiving. I randomly decided to visit www.registry.adoption.com where I typed in my birthdate and the location of my birth into the quick search feature. After I hit "search" my heart started pounding. Louder than I have felt it pound in my entire life. I then went into a panic as I read her profile description. "No way, this can't be her," I kept telling myself. I hastily wrote her an email*:

Hello,

I recently joined this site and after typing in my birth date and state your profile came up.... Please contact me back if you think you may be my birthmother.

Thank you so much,

Melissa

Less than 10 minutes later she responded. In her email she said, as far as she knew, her birthdaughter's name was Julie which could have been a name given at the foster parents home before going to the adoptive home. She also stated she was "under the impression" of the relative location of the adoptive family. I started to panic even more, my beginning to shake. She was correct on the area which we lived. "This cannot be happening," I continued to say to myself.

I called my (adoptive) mother, who was in the car with my (adoptive) father on the way to Florida. Since my father doesn't know what's going on at this point, I started speaking with my mother in "code". I asked her if she knew anything about a name given to me during my foster placement. She said, she didn't know why, but it had came to her the other day. She never wrote it down and (surprise), out of the blew, she remembered it. I asked her if it started with a "J" and she confirmed. She then began to cry. My dad was outside filling the gas tank when my mom started to break down. She told me that they had waited 5 years for me and it was meant to be... she wouldn't change anything but feels "bad about the divorce" and how that has affected us. She felt she was being replaced. My panic was replaced with pain. Pain for my mother as I felt her sorrow as we continued to speak. I told her that she was "non-replaceable," that she was (and will always be) my hero for her courage and strength to leave an abusive relationship. I told her she was still my mother, and I would not be who I am or where I am today without my life experiences. "This was and is not your fault. I love you mom."

*Edited Content

Dear Birthmother (On My Birthday)

Dear Birthmother

I wanted to express to you today on my birthday

25 years later, I am finding the lost words

that for years have been locked and stored away.

I am finally beginning to understand

how you must have felt first hand.

The first moment I held my son

tightly against my chest.

I caught a glimpse of you

and unleashed emotions that have been repressed.

The bond between a mother and her unborn

will remain forever

and can never be torn.

Like the fine white grains of sand,

wherever they may drift,

they always will remain part of the land.

Today I wonder if you still think of me

examining the reasons that you did flee.

I want to let you know

in my heart those reasons will never matter.

I will continue to think of you

and wonder if your heart is still in shatters.