Letting Go of Shame

While watching the Oprah episode "Family Secret," where Oprah revealed her recent discovery and reunion with her half-sister, I was touched by Oprah's words to her mother. "Let the shame go" she said, in regards to the shame her mother holds for placing her daughter up for adoption. I would add, however, that I believe it is important for every member in the adoption triad to let go of the shame.


There have been many bloggers posting about this story the past couple of days. Whether you believe Oprah was in the dark about her half-sister or not, I feel it is important to note her words about shame. Shame can be experienced in all members of the adoption triad; birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees. 


Society casts an ugly judgmental cloud onto unmarried pregnant women. As a result, birthmothers often experience shame through the events leading them to become pregnant. In addition, birthmothers feel shame when placing a child. Shame in adoptees is often experienced as though "there must be something wrong with me or she wouldn't have given up." For adoptees, I say this: in order to let go of the shame, you must love and accept your true self. It was not your fault. Adoptive parents may feel shame over their infertility. Society's views on what constitutes the ideal "traditional family" may cause parents to feel like they have been cursed and have shame in themselves for their inability to bear children. 


So how do we all let go? First, we need to acknowledge we feel shame. This can be the most difficult for some people. It is hard to recognize our own emotions and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Second, we need to understand where the shame comes from. Then, finally, we need to accept ourselves for who we are (our true self) and let the shame go. 


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