Yesterday was Logan's belated baby shower; it had it's ups and downs. I hate being the focal point of any event, so the shear fact that everybody was staring at me in silence while I open numerous gifts was a pretty anxiety-provoking. But the real upsetting part was after the party. I was sitting in the living room with my Aunt and cousin with her two daughters. I was holding Logan on my chest, soothing his crying, when my Aunt tells me that I "don't understand the seriousness" with my mother. I do know the seriousness, it has been haunting me ever since I came to the realization that her death is approaching much sooner than I expected. However, I am not going to express my devastation publicly. What good will that do? I always have to be the strong one, the one who needs to keep everything together; it's part of my need for control. Good will not come from falling apart in front of my mother. I am not in denial anymore, but dwelling on the negative is not going to change the fact that she is dying. She further said that she believed that my mom won't have the lung biopsy to determine whether she has the IPF or Interstitial Lung Disease. After asking her if she would want to find out, there was a long pause of silence, with an answer of "I don't know." I know I wouldn't want to know the poison that's slowly taking my life away. Pure knowledge does not change fact: she will die.
There's that word again: death. It scares the shit out of me to even say the word. Your whole life there was somebody there and one day they are gone. Thinking about this is too much to take sometimes. Even though she isn't the woman who brought me into life, she raised me in this world. I don't even think I am done being "raised." It seems there is so much more to be taught in this world. Thinking that she will no longer be able to assist me in my life transitions hurts deep into the core. I am at the verge of tears to think she won't be there to help guide me through Logan's childhood. Or any other of my future children for that matter. She may not even witness the birth of future grandchildren.
Don't tell me I don't understand the seriousness of loosing a mother.
