Ahh Facebook. My Adoptive Mom was upset with me when I was posting Adoptee Rights and Family Preservation stuff on Facebook, thinking that it was because I was mad at her. It took me several conversations to explain to her that my equality and quest for ethics in adoption is something she should be proud of, not insulted by.
I can identify with so much of what you said. While I was waiting for contact with my First Mother, I traced my biological geneology and was excited to share with my a-mom what I found. She was hurt, wondering why I didn't want my heritage to just be whatever her's was. I wondered why I had to leave part of myself behind in order to make her happy.
For her, and I cannot speak for any one else, it boils down to unresolved issues prior to adoption. My parents adopted because they had fertility problems. Resolution of the issues that fertility caused and how it made her feel were put on the back burner because adoption was supposed to "fix" all that. Adopting a baby was a way to make her family like everyone elses. And in a closed adoption, that fascade is easy to perpetuate for a long period of time. My reuinion quest reminded her that our family isn't like everyone elses. Her daughter isn't like everyone else. Unlike biologically-raised individuals, I have another family out there, two mothers, and an identity inside and outside my Adoptive Family. All of a sudden, it was abundantly clear that those issues and feelings adoption was supposed to fix were still there and it upset her.
And there's where I was torn. Do I give up what I feel is very important to me in order to manage her emotions? Or do I go forward and hope she will still love and support me any way?
Fortunately, she understands now that I am not trying to replace her and that I have not dissappeared anywhere and moved next door to my First Mom lol (a fear she had). So things are much better.
And they will get better for you too. Stay strong. You are right. This is your life and you need to make decisions that you feel are right for you. ((hugs))
Ahh Facebook. My Adoptive Mom was upset with me when I was posting Adoptee Rights and Family Preservation stuff on Facebook, thinking that it was because I was mad at her. It took me several conversations to explain to her that my equality and quest for ethics in adoption is something she should be proud of, not insulted by.
ReplyDeleteI can identify with so much of what you said. While I was waiting for contact with my First Mother, I traced my biological geneology and was excited to share with my a-mom what I found. She was hurt, wondering why I didn't want my heritage to just be whatever her's was. I wondered why I had to leave part of myself behind in order to make her happy.
For her, and I cannot speak for any one else, it boils down to unresolved issues prior to adoption. My parents adopted because they had fertility problems. Resolution of the issues that fertility caused and how it made her feel were put on the back burner because adoption was supposed to "fix" all that. Adopting a baby was a way to make her family like everyone elses. And in a closed adoption, that fascade is easy to perpetuate for a long period of time. My reuinion quest reminded her that our family isn't like everyone elses. Her daughter isn't like everyone else. Unlike biologically-raised individuals, I have another family out there, two mothers, and an identity inside and outside my Adoptive Family. All of a sudden, it was abundantly clear that those issues and feelings adoption was supposed to fix were still there and it upset her.
And there's where I was torn. Do I give up what I feel is very important to me in order to manage her emotions? Or do I go forward and hope she will still love and support me any way?
Fortunately, she understands now that I am not trying to replace her and that I have not dissappeared anywhere and moved next door to my First Mom lol (a fear she had). So things are much better.
And they will get better for you too. Stay strong. You are right. This is your life and you need to make decisions that you feel are right for you. ((hugs))