Dear Birthmother (On My Birthday)

Dear Birthmother

I wanted to express to you today on my birthday

25 years later, I am finding the lost words

that for years have been locked and stored away.

I am finally beginning to understand

how you must have felt first hand.

The first moment I held my son

tightly against my chest.

I caught a glimpse of you

and unleashed emotions that have been repressed.

The bond between a mother and her unborn

will remain forever

and can never be torn.

Like the fine white grains of sand,

wherever they may drift,

they always will remain part of the land.

Today I wonder if you still think of me

examining the reasons that you did flee.

I want to let you know

in my heart those reasons will never matter.

I will continue to think of you

and wonder if your heart is still in shatters.

The Love of My Life

Having Logan has been the best experiences of my life. Words cannot express how much this beautiful extension of myself as truly changed my life.

Throughout my entire pregnancy onward, I have realized the lasting importance of attachment. Even throughout the womb, the unborn child and mother are symbiotically bonding to one another. The fetus becomes familiar with the mother's voice and her heart beat which is carried through pregnancy onto the rest of the newborn's life. When Logan was about 2 months old I witnessed the beauty in his attachment towards me, his biological mother. I was shocked to reflect back on my own birth and how I did not have the same attachment period to my own birthmother. I bonded with her in the womb and was torn away from the mother that I was bonded to and thrown into a foster home for three months. I believe that, subconsciously, this early period in my life has made a lasting impact on my development and who I am as a person.

The Next Step

I am done with school. After this Friday I will be officially done and in approximately 4-6 weeks will be able to put the letters LLMSW behind my name. I oddly feel calm. Unlike before where I was terrified beyond belief with the idea that I would have no obligations, I feel relaxed. I am amazingly stress free. My priorities consist of working twice a week, looking for a job, and get some work done around the house. It is a nice feeling to be me again, to not be bogged down with school. It is also a time where I can focus on myself, getting back into shape. I worked out today and it felt great... no pain whatsoever. It is amazing how much stress can take a toll on the body. I have decided that the chronic pain that I have been experiencing the past few months was mostly stress induced. There is no other explanation... I am now stress-free and pain-free. I feel amazing.

I feel like I need to tell my parents of my plans to search for my birthmother. I don't want to deceive them by going behind their backs. I want them to be involved in the search for my identity. I just don't feel right excluding them, even though I know it would be easier. I think they probably have thought of the prospect of this even when I was very little; that one day their little girl will have desire to find her roots. It is nothing personal; they are my parents and I love them. They have provided me with all I could ever ask for even though there are parts of my childhood I wish to forget. I just need to know why. I need to know why she gave me up. I need to know if she felt any pain, if she still feels pain. I need to know about my conception. Was it consensual? Did she give me up out of pure Catholic guilt? Did she truly, in her heart, want me to have a better life? If so, was my life better? Was it all worth the years of struggling with the unconscious sense of abandonment that has guided my behaviors? Will I finally find myself, who I truly am and who I was meant to become?