Marley & Me

"A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote that farewell column to Marley, I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners, and pure intentions to help us see."
— John Grogan

Midpoint

Today I am 20 weeks, which means that Iam halfway through my pregnancy. It became real 2 weeks ago when I felt the baby move. But it was really real this past Monday when I had my ultrasound. I'm having a boy! (yes I am still happy even though it isn't a girl!)

In other news, the master bedroom is painted and almost complete. I just have to untape, do some touch-ups, and decorate. The next room in our house-remodeling is the living room and hallway. The goal is to get it painted by Thanksgiving. Then I will work on the nursery. That room is small so it won't take that long.

Grad school is kicking my ass...but it's only the first semester and I am pregnant. As long as I get my degree and past, that's all that matters. I've been thinking about law school lately...but that won't be for another 6 years if I were to take that path. I want to change the world.

I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year. I can't believe it, it's probably the "maternal instinct" crap I guess. That and this is the first year in my own house and I can have a tree and decorate. I am uber-excited!

That's all for now....just an update on my life. I haven't written in forever!

Doubts

The voices in my brain are telling me every reason why this is the worst possible time for me to have a child. I have started my first year of graduate school to better myself and my career through advancing my knowledge. In addition to the obligations that school has put forth on me I have to add the care of a fetus growing inside my body. This in it's own has created many body image issues. The constant panic that I must eat; not for myself, I have another responsibility now. I can't be so selfish...for once I have to think about something other than myself. I must get over the fact that I will gain weight, and have. I went to the store the other day and couldn't bring myself to buy bigger clothes. It kills me inside to think that the past 2 years devoted to weight loss was for nothing. I have to fucking gain 25 pounds after loosing 90.

Sometimes I wish I would have went through with having an abortion. But the commitment I have with James pulled me back. I told myself that after being together for 6 years, this child was a sign. Leave it to fucking destiny to fuck up my life....