Love the Way You Lie

It took me 4 months to listen to the song "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem, featuring Rihanna. I still cannot bring myself to sit through the music video, as the song is emotionally triggering in itself, it brings back all those painful memories that have been stored deep into subconsciousness. However, one my ever-so-trustworthy defense mechanisms, intellectualization, helps me truly appreciate this piece of music. Eminem portrays the dynamics of domestic violence extremely well, although at the times, seems more extreme than most cases that I have seen. Nonetheless, aside from the dramatic effect, I am sure perpetrators sometimes do think "if she ever tries to fucking leave again Im'a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire." That's the beauty of this song: the abuser loves the victim, but the need for control leads to violence, and ultimately turns love into hate.

Rihanna recently released the sequel "Love the Way You Lie Part II" which features Eminem. In contrast to the first, where the point of view is primarily on the perpetrator/abuser, Rihanna illustrates the effects of domestic violence on the victims (or as I refer to as "survivors"). I would like to consider myself a feminist, and I may even be ostracized for saying this, however: I believe this song really explains how domestic violence is not always one sided. As the lyrics say: "you hit me twice yeah, but who's countin'? I may have hit you three times, I'm starting to lose count... but together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain." I am not, by any means, excusing the actions of the abuser, but I have seen how the relationship dynamics can heighten the effects of the abuse.

So, in order to get a more broad and accurate picture of domestic violence and perpetrator dynamics, I did a little research. According to www.psychpage.com, who summarizes the work of Johnson and Ferraro (2000), there are various types of domestic violence including:

"Common Couple Violence - within the context of a single issue, there is one or at most two incidents of violence, and it is not used as part of a pattern of behavior to control the partner... or someone who is not violent outside the home, and is the least likely to be sexually and emotionally abusive."

"Intimate Terrorism - as one tactic in a general pattern of control and manipulation, violence may be used. Worth noting here is that the violence still may have occurred only once or twice, and may be relatively 'low severity' .. This kind is more likely to use violence as a way to control; while they may appear extremely distressed during violent episodes, their physiology reveals no arousal. The appearance of almost uncontrollable rage is an act, one tool of many to intimidate and control others. Such batterers are more likely to engage in carefully planned and more violent revenge if the relationship ends, and are thus much more dangerous to their victims."

"Violent Resistance - where one partner becomes controlling or frightening, the other partner may respond with violence in self-defense. Johnson and Ferraro do not call this pattern of violence self-defense, however, noting that, in general, courts view this term to mean whatever is defined by State law. This kind of violence occurs in response to a perceived threat, may be a one-time event, and is not part of a pattern of control and manipulation."

"Mutual Violent Control - this kind of violence may be what is thought of as mutual combat. It can be two parties using violence to control each other in a specific setting, or be more like two people attempting a kind of intimate terrorism with each other."

"Dysphoric-Borderline Violence - this kind of batterer was proposed by Holtzworth-Munroe and Stuart (1994), and entails a needy, dependent, and emotionally overwhelmed person who resorts to violence in frustration. This kind of abuser is more likely to show obvious emotional adjustment problems and distress, such as depression, fears of abandonment, and great emotional dependence on the victim."