The Next Step

I am done with school. After this Friday I will be officially done and in approximately 4-6 weeks will be able to put the letters LLMSW behind my name. I oddly feel calm. Unlike before where I was terrified beyond belief with the idea that I would have no obligations, I feel relaxed. I am amazingly stress free. My priorities consist of working twice a week, looking for a job, and get some work done around the house. It is a nice feeling to be me again, to not be bogged down with school. It is also a time where I can focus on myself, getting back into shape. I worked out today and it felt great... no pain whatsoever. It is amazing how much stress can take a toll on the body. I have decided that the chronic pain that I have been experiencing the past few months was mostly stress induced. There is no other explanation... I am now stress-free and pain-free. I feel amazing.

I feel like I need to tell my parents of my plans to search for my birthmother. I don't want to deceive them by going behind their backs. I want them to be involved in the search for my identity. I just don't feel right excluding them, even though I know it would be easier. I think they probably have thought of the prospect of this even when I was very little; that one day their little girl will have desire to find her roots. It is nothing personal; they are my parents and I love them. They have provided me with all I could ever ask for even though there are parts of my childhood I wish to forget. I just need to know why. I need to know why she gave me up. I need to know if she felt any pain, if she still feels pain. I need to know about my conception. Was it consensual? Did she give me up out of pure Catholic guilt? Did she truly, in her heart, want me to have a better life? If so, was my life better? Was it all worth the years of struggling with the unconscious sense of abandonment that has guided my behaviors? Will I finally find myself, who I truly am and who I was meant to become?

New Beginnings?

I am sitting here in the blank cubicle that I recently cleared of my personal artifacts made over the past three months. I cannot believe this is my last day here. I always have a hard time dealing with change especially when I have given a lot of myself and have been taught many lessons from my kids who are now gone. I become attached to physical places and it becomes hard towards the end to separate myself from a place where I have overcome struggles and have learned more about myself. I know that I have had a difficult time here, however, I believe that I have learned more here than I have at any other internship/job. I wonder: will these attachments continue to effect me over time or will I develop a numbness to abandonment?

Done

Well, tonight marks the end of graduate school. I had my final class tonight and tomorrow is my last day as an intern. I am officially embarking on my new career which is currently unknown. Michigan sucks. There are no jobs. It is so bad that people with PhDs are applying for entry level therapist positions. That is my competition... great! All the other graduates are ecstatic to be done, most of which are on the same path as myself. Others have obtained positions through their internships... too bad I wasn't as lucky! I have sent cover letters and resumes for at least 10 positions. I have not heard back from a single one. I will start to call next week. I have no choice. It's not like I don't have anything better to do. Oh, I will be blogging more! That is always a plus!