Baby Shower

Yesterday was Logan's belated baby shower; it had it's ups and downs. I hate being the focal point of any event, so the shear fact that everybody was staring at me in silence while I open numerous gifts was a pretty anxiety-provoking. But the real upsetting part was after the party. I was sitting in the living room with my Aunt and cousin with her two daughters. I was holding Logan on my chest, soothing his crying, when my Aunt tells me that I "don't understand the seriousness" with my mother. I do know the seriousness, it has been haunting me ever since I came to the realization that her death is approaching much sooner than I expected. However, I am not going to express my devastation publicly. What good will that do? I always have to be the strong one, the one who needs to keep everything together; it's part of my need for control. Good will not come from falling apart in front of my mother. I am not in denial anymore, but dwelling on the negative is not going to change the fact that she is dying. She further said that she believed that my mom won't have the lung biopsy to determine whether she has the IPF or Interstitial Lung Disease. After asking her if she would want to find out, there was a long pause of silence, with an answer of "I don't know." I know I wouldn't want to know the poison that's slowly taking my life away. Pure knowledge does not change fact: she will die. 

There's that word again: death. It scares the shit out of me to even say the word. Your whole life there was somebody there and one day they are gone. Thinking about this is too much to take sometimes. Even though she isn't the woman who brought me into life, she raised me in this world. I don't even think I am done being "raised." It seems there is so much more to be taught in this world. Thinking that she will no longer be able to assist me in my life transitions hurts deep into the core. I am at the verge of tears to think she won't be there to help guide me through Logan's childhood. Or any other of my future children for that matter. She may not even witness the birth of future grandchildren. 

Don't tell me I don't understand the seriousness of loosing a mother.

Some quotes...

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.”

Death

It just hit me the other day that my mother is dying. She told me 2 days after Logan was born that she was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, a chronic lung disease with no cure. She literally has 2-5 years to live and I have no idea what to make of it. At first I was in denial, whatever this IPF thing is, can't hurt me more than everything else in my life. But now I have come to the realization that my mother is in her final years and is forced to cope with the negative effects of the disease. It breaks my heart to think that she may not see Logan grow up and not see me grow up for that matter. How does one cope with the loss of a parent? I did not expect to deal with death at this point in my life. Yes, I have witnessed the death of two grandparents, but that was completely different. There is an expectation that one must deal with the death of a grandparent in young adulthood, but not the death of a parent. It's hard to stomach that she might be taken from me so early in my life course.

I know that there are advances in medical science everyday, but I believe that people who claim this are also in denial. Denial of the eminent death that will occur. They say that about cancer, but guess what? People still die every single day from lung cancer. It is time to start dealing with the feelings of death that will come and I need to realize this. I need to reevaluate death because it will have an impact on my life soon. Maybe not in the next couple of years, but definitely within this decade.