The Next Step

I am done with school. After this Friday I will be officially done and in approximately 4-6 weeks will be able to put the letters LLMSW behind my name. I oddly feel calm. Unlike before where I was terrified beyond belief with the idea that I would have no obligations, I feel relaxed. I am amazingly stress free. My priorities consist of working twice a week, looking for a job, and get some work done around the house. It is a nice feeling to be me again, to not be bogged down with school. It is also a time where I can focus on myself, getting back into shape. I worked out today and it felt great... no pain whatsoever. It is amazing how much stress can take a toll on the body. I have decided that the chronic pain that I have been experiencing the past few months was mostly stress induced. There is no other explanation... I am now stress-free and pain-free. I feel amazing.

I feel like I need to tell my parents of my plans to search for my birthmother. I don't want to deceive them by going behind their backs. I want them to be involved in the search for my identity. I just don't feel right excluding them, even though I know it would be easier. I think they probably have thought of the prospect of this even when I was very little; that one day their little girl will have desire to find her roots. It is nothing personal; they are my parents and I love them. They have provided me with all I could ever ask for even though there are parts of my childhood I wish to forget. I just need to know why. I need to know why she gave me up. I need to know if she felt any pain, if she still feels pain. I need to know about my conception. Was it consensual? Did she give me up out of pure Catholic guilt? Did she truly, in her heart, want me to have a better life? If so, was my life better? Was it all worth the years of struggling with the unconscious sense of abandonment that has guided my behaviors? Will I finally find myself, who I truly am and who I was meant to become?