Reactive Attachment Disorder in Infants & Todders?

While researching attachment and bonding, I came across the Infant Attachment Checklist, a 27-item measure used in the diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) in infants and toddlers: 

1. Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy
2. Resists comforting or nurturance
3. Resists or dislikes being held
4. Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact
5. Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)
6. Likes playpen or crib more than being held
7. Rarely cries (overly good baby)
8. Angry or rageful when cries
9. Exceedingly demanding
10. Looks sad or empty-eyed
11. Delayed milestones (creeping, crawling, etc.)
12. Stiffens or becomes rigid when held
13. Likes to be in control
14. Does not hold on when held (no reciprocal holding)
15. When held chest to chest, faces away
16. Doesn't like head touched (combed, washed)
17. Generally unresponsive to parent
18. Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes
19. Overly independent play or makes no demands
20. Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent
21. Little or reduced verbal responsiveness
22. Does not return smiles
23. Shows very little imitative behavior
24. Prefers Dad to Mom
25. Gets in and out of parents lap frequently
26. Physically restless when sleeping
27. Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)

I'm not sure how I feel about RAD diagnosed in infancy and toddlerhood. Personally, through hearing how I behaved during this period, I could check off several items on this list. I was a non-responsive baby. Originally, my foster mother sent me to the doctor twice because she felt I slept too much. After everything checked out the first time, she sought a second opinion. I was given several tests: thyroid, hearing, a metabolic screen, and an EEG. There was "some abnormality due to low amplitude of responses." But I could hear, the experts just didn't know how I responded the way I did. 


It will be interesting to see what future research discovers about infant bonding and attachment. 


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Photo retrieved from: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/03/rie-and-attachment-theory-why-earliest-relationships-matter-the-21st-annual-rie-conference-featuring-sir-richard-bowlby/

Letting Go of Shame

While watching the Oprah episode "Family Secret," where Oprah revealed her recent discovery and reunion with her half-sister, I was touched by Oprah's words to her mother. "Let the shame go" she said, in regards to the shame her mother holds for placing her daughter up for adoption. I would add, however, that I believe it is important for every member in the adoption triad to let go of the shame.


There have been many bloggers posting about this story the past couple of days. Whether you believe Oprah was in the dark about her half-sister or not, I feel it is important to note her words about shame. Shame can be experienced in all members of the adoption triad; birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees. 


Society casts an ugly judgmental cloud onto unmarried pregnant women. As a result, birthmothers often experience shame through the events leading them to become pregnant. In addition, birthmothers feel shame when placing a child. Shame in adoptees is often experienced as though "there must be something wrong with me or she wouldn't have given up." For adoptees, I say this: in order to let go of the shame, you must love and accept your true self. It was not your fault. Adoptive parents may feel shame over their infertility. Society's views on what constitutes the ideal "traditional family" may cause parents to feel like they have been cursed and have shame in themselves for their inability to bear children. 


So how do we all let go? First, we need to acknowledge we feel shame. This can be the most difficult for some people. It is hard to recognize our own emotions and allow ourselves to feel vulnerable. Second, we need to understand where the shame comes from. Then, finally, we need to accept ourselves for who we are (our true self) and let the shame go. 


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Photo retrieved from: http://www.mushin.eu

Disclaimer

In order to protect readers and myself, I've added a disclaimer. Please take a look here! I'm also still working with the new title. I'm very indecisive!

Announcement: Blog Changes

You may have noticed some noticeable changes to my blog.  So far, I have changed the design significantly, while adding some new gadgets and page elements. I am also working on the title as the focus of my blog has changed.  Please feel free to comment on the changes or if you have any ideas!

Blog Title and Focus

Within the next few days, I will be going through my entire blog; archiving and removing the posts most relevant to the blog title, "Confessions of a Fat Bride." When I first embarked on my blogging journey in 2008, I was in a different place and stage in my life.  Several significant changes in my life have happened over the past three years. In a relatively brief synopsis, the significant events included: graduating with a BA in psychology, the cancellation of my wedding, getting pregnant, starting graduate school, becoming a homeowner, giving birth to my son, grief and loss, graduating with MSW, starting the search process, rejections, finding my birth mother, and FINALLY I am beginning to find true myself.  


Therefore, the new focus of this blog will be detailing my healing journey in finding my authentic self. In addition, as a social worker, I hope to also provide insights into practice and research about topics I feel most passionately about.

Gadgets

The goals I have for my blog are; (1) increase traffic to my blog, (2) build an online blogging presence, and (3) increase reader interaction. 


I've always allowed comments on my blog and I love when readers comment. Hopefully as more readers visit, comments and interaction will increase. I always appreciate feedback, so in addition to comments, I added reactions at the end of each post. 


*Picture retrieved from: http://www.purswell.com/services.html. © by Broderbund

Rejection and the Adult Adoptee

After 14 interviews, 5 rejection letters, 2 rejection phone calls, and zero job offers, I felt compelled to blog about job rejection. Since I am an adult adoptee, and after extensive soul searching and therapy, I have found the issues I have with rejection are directly related to the fact that I was adopted. I take rejection as a personal attack on my sense of self.


Nancy Verrier, a psychotherapist and adoptive mother, briefly wrote about her experiences with adoptees and their issues with work and rejection. In her book, the Primal Wound she states:

Now while many people would just go on to the next interview and keep pursuing it until a job was found, the adoptee will often feel paralyzed by that initial rejection. It is felt, not just as failure to have the necessary skills or training for the job, but as a rejection of the basic person. He was not good enough for the job. He was a failure. This makes going out and facing the next interview seem like a monumental task.

I really connect to Verrier's words, like she is personally speaking to me. She goes on to describe how the fear of rejection may be connected to a sense of unworthiness felt by the adoptee, ending in self-sabotage:

The fear of rejection in the workplace is often accompanied by a fear of success or an inability to believe in one's competency or expertise. There is a kind of self rejection of one's own talents and capabilities, which sometimes results in a sabotaging of one's success.

Many people can recall their first experiences of rejection; getting picked last in gym class or not being able to play with the "cool" kids on the playground in elementary school. For adoptees, on the other hand, we cannot remember our initial reactions to our abandonment at birth (unless you were adopted at an older age). We, as adoptees, don't have a reference point for our early experiences with rejection. What often ends up happening, is a belief develops into thinking that one's personal value is the reason for the rejection. In my personal experiences with rejection, particularly in regards to jobs, I often think I was not "good enough" as a person or that I was "unworthy" for the job.


However, everybody experiences rejection throughout the course of their life; whether it is through significant others, school, sports teams, and in the workplace. So, if everybody encounters rejection some point in their life, why do some react more strongly than others?

In my opinion, the answer to that question comes down to how each individual deals with loss. Adoptees, like myself, were faced with the loss of her biological mother at a very young and vulnerable age (in my case, in infancy). Being unable to mourn with the loss of one's biological mother, the person may not be able to effectively cope with later losses in life. In dealing with rejection, the inability to cope comes in many forms, including; personalization ("I must have said something wrong during the interview"), catastrophizing ("I'll never find a job," "I am going to lose my house," etc.), or even denial ("I didn't even want that job in the first place").


So how do we get over the negative beliefs of ourselves and stop taking rejection so personally? We first need be aware that there is a problem and we need to be motivated to change how we think about ourselves. The biggest challenge for me is to remind myself that it wasn't my fault. It was nothing I did or did not do... I am who I am and the best employer for me will realize this. My day will come...

The Emotional Dangers of Facebook

*Post Removed by Author*

Role of Social Workers in Adoption

In order to prepare for a job interview, I decided research what exactly the role is of social workers throughout the adoption process. I thought I would share what I found in my research. 


Role of Social Workers
Here is an excerpt from the National Association of Social Workers on their website, written by Deborah Gray, MSW, MPA:

Homestudies are completed on every adoptive family. The homestudy is an interviewing and educational process in which families are assessed to determine whether they can provide a safe and nurturing home. It is also an opportunity to provide adoption-specific information to families. It helps them to position themselves realistically in determining potential needs of children and their resources to meet those needs.

Social workers complete the homestudies and help acquaint families with adoption issues during the homestudy process. The homestudy process helps families to make realistic decisions including whether they can care for one child, a sibling group, or children with special needs. They explore such concepts as continuing contact with birthfamilies, the lifelong identity processes of adoptive family members, transracial or transcultural adoption, and their own strengths, limitations, and expectations.