During the assessment she asked me about my relationships, especially with James. I told her that he is great without telling her that I probably don't deserve somebody as wonderful. Then she inquired about my family. Where the fuck do I start with my family in an hour period. I need a whole year to explain my issues with my familial relationships. I told her about my father's alcoholism and she asked me how that has affected me. I instantly blurted out, "well I'm afraid of all men now... the only man I am truly comfortable around is James." I have known this for awhile but haven't readily admitted that this issue stems from my father. I was always "daddy's little girl" and loved him when I was kid. That doesn't take away the fact that he was both physically and verbally abusive to my mother growing up. He has even crossed that bridge with me before.
Sometimes I feel as if I am too attached to James, afraid of what else is out there because of how good of a man he is. I never thought to explore other male options because I felt so lucky I caught a man who treats a woman with respect and doesn't physically hurt me. I feel proud of myself that I have managed to accomplish that one thing that is so important: to find somebody who loves me and doesn't hurt me in any way. This is the one stable thing I have in my life... hopefully I won't go and fuck it up.
The main issue that I will be working involves my ADHD, but I feel as if that is only a tiny aspect in my chaotic life. However at the base of ADHD is the need to control it. That's what my entire problem is in life; I lack control. I had gained a tiny bit of it last summer before I got pregnant. I was in control of my weight and it all stemmed from my body image issues. I was emerged in controlling externally what I couldn't internally. Lately I feel the need to resort back to this... I continually need to control what I eat in order to gain control over all of this constant stress I am under. It isn't working, however, which makes me feel even more out of control and I hate it. I just want to go back to repressing my childhood memories and focusing on my external body. I could handle that better than delving deep into my childhood to find what is really bothering me. However now I feel like if I can successfully go there I will be more able to control my external self in a more healthy way. This is my ultimate goal.
