Attachment

My therapist suggested that I write down the insights on myself that I have been discovering lately. I used to enjoy journaling/blogging but have somehow fallen away from it. I think I need to make it a point to do it once a day, because I know that in the long run it will help me.

We were talking about the attachment period in infancy and how recent research has shown that the first 6 months of life are critical in the attachment period. I have been wondering lately, as seeing the development and attachment with Logan, how being adopted has affected my life. I wasn't brought home to my parents until I was 2 months old. That is 2 months of the critical period. I know I was really thinking this when Logan was that age, but just blew it off because I didn't want to think about it.

Personality Characteristics

INFP

Questor/Healer — "I Never Find Perfection"

Alternate Reviews

INFP - Hale Online
INFP - Love Types

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. The INFP does not devote their intense feelings towards just anyone, and are relatively reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings. They reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few who are closest to them. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they're very sensitive and in-tune with people's feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP's perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.

INFP Strengths

Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

• Warmly concerned and caring towards others
• Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
• Loyal and committed - they want lifelong relationships
• Deep capacity for love and caring
• Driven to meet other's needs
• Strive for "win-win" situations
• Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
• Likely to recognize and appreciate other's need for space
• Able to express themselves well
• Flexible and diverse

INFP Weaknesses

Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

• May tend to be shy and reserved
• Don't like to have their "space" invaded
• Extreme dislike of conflict
• Extreme dislike of criticism
• Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
• May react very emotionally to stressful situations
• Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
• Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
• Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
• Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
• Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders

INFPs in Love

INFPs feels tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony and warm feelings are central to the INFP's being. They feel a need to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.

INFPs tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a "more perfect" relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess. Most INFPs have a problem with reconciling their highly idealistic and romantic views of life with the reality of their own lives, and so they are constantly somewhat unsettled with themselves and with their close personal relationships. However, the INFP's deeply-felt, sincere love for their mates and their intense dislike of conflict keeps the INFP loyal to their relationships, in spite of their troubles achieving peace of mind.

Unlike other types who tend to hold their mates up on a pedastal, the INFP's tendency to do so does not really turn into a negative thing in the relationship. INFPs hold tightly to their ideals, and work hard at constantly seeing their mates up on that pedastal. The frequent INFP result is a strongly affirming, proud and affectionate attitude towards their mates which stands the test of time.

INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.

Romantically, the INFP is likely to be initially slow to open up to their mates. Once their trust has been earned, the INFP will view romantic intimacy as an opportunity for expressing their deep-seated love and affection. They value giving and receiving love and sweet words. With their tendency to enjoy serving others, they may value their mates satisfaction above their own.

One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations. This can be a real problem for INFPs who are involved with persons who have Thinking and Judging preferences. "TJ"s relate to others with a objective, decisive attitude that frequently shows an opinion on the topic of conversation. If the opinion is negative, the TJ's attitude may be threatening to the INFP, who will tend to respond emotionally to the negativity and be vaguely but emphatically convinced that the negativity is somehow the INFP's fault.

For INFPs with extremely dominant Feeling preferences who have not developed their Intuitive sides sufficiently to gather good data for their decision making processes, their dislike of conflict and criticism can foretell doom and gloom for intimate relationships. These INFPs will react with extreme emotional distress to conflict situations, and will not know what to do about it. Since they will have no basis for determining what action to take, they will do whatever they can to get rid of the conflict - which frequently means lashing out irrationally at others, or using guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave. This kind of behavior does not bode well for healthy, long-term relationships. Individuals who recognize this tendency in themselves should work on their ability to take criticism objectively rather than personally. They should also try to remember that conflict situations are not always their fault, and they're definitely not the end of the world. Conflict is a fact of life, and facing it and addressing it immediately avoids having to deal with it in the future, after it has become a much larger problem.

INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate's privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate's perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.

In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving partners who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work

Meyer-Briggs Personality Type

I took a quiz on facebook and it actually was so true I couldn't believe it!

INFP (Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Perception)

You are idealistic, loyal to your values and to people who are important to you. You want an external life that is congruent with your values. You are curious, quick to see possibilities, and can be a catalyst for implementing ideas. You seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. You are adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened. Famous people with your same INFP personality include: Mary the Blessed Virgin, Hellen Keller, William Shakespeare, John F. Kennedy Jr., Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and Julia Roberts.

"Die Fat or Get Tough"

"Americans have been programmed to believe diets don't work because of the inability of the average person to stick to them, and their unwillingness to take responsibility for their own failure. Make no mistake: many diets work very well. Because the individual lacks the mental toughness to stick to a diet doesn't make the diet any less effective. Fat people have a difficult time accepting responsibility for their own behavior, so they blame their diet. That's no different than a college graduate begging for money on the street and then blaming the school for his failure to succeed. This delusional thinking is a hallmark of the middle-class mindset. World-class thinkers know the real problem lies in the thoughts, beliefs and philosophies of the individual. They know diets work, but people often don't. Exacerbating the delusion of the masses are the weight loss companies telling people getting fat isn't their fault. Of course, this makes people feel comfortable with their failures, and the comfort is the most important thing to the middle-class consciousness. So in addition to unhealthy foods, they begin ingesting pre-packaged meals and magical pills that promise to turn them into the next supermodel. To add insult to injury, these diet companies have the audacity to brainwash the masses into believing losing and maintaining their weight will be easy and effortless. Fortunately for these companies and unfortunately for their customers, fat people want to believe this so badly they lie to themselves."

This was taken from the book "Get Fat or Get Tough" by Steve Siebold. This is so true and applies the majority of my life, where I was blaming everyone else but myself for getting and staying fat. The truth of the matter is that I lacked self-control. I started to gain it back but I have lost it again. I am going to start to gain the self-control back and I think that therapy will definitely help. Making excuses isn't a healthy coping mechanism and I have lost sight of myself and my goals. It is not that my only goal is to become thin; the overarching goal is to be happy with myself and losing weight is something I know I need to do in order to be happy. The other aspects in my life that need mending are all meshed into one common theme: I need to get in control of my life.

Therapy Day 1

Well, I was referred into therapy by my psychiatrist because I am "dealing with a lot of stress." That's the understatement of the century. You try having a newborn, going to grad school full time, working part-time, dealing with your mother dying, and renovating a foreclosed house! Stressed seems like a rather minor term for what's going on in my world.

During the assessment she asked me about my relationships, especially with James. I told her that he is great without telling her that I probably don't deserve somebody as wonderful. Then she inquired about my family. Where the fuck do I start with my family in an hour period. I need a whole year to explain my issues with my familial relationships. I told her about my father's alcoholism and she asked me how that has affected me. I instantly blurted out, "well I'm afraid of all men now... the only man I am truly comfortable around is James." I have known this for awhile but haven't readily admitted that this issue stems from my father. I was always "daddy's little girl" and loved him when I was kid. That doesn't take away the fact that he was both physically and verbally abusive to my mother growing up. He has even crossed that bridge with me before. 

Sometimes I feel as if I am too attached to James, afraid of what else is out there because of how good of a man he is. I never thought to explore other male options because I felt so lucky I caught a man who treats a woman with respect and doesn't physically hurt me. I feel proud of myself that I have managed to accomplish that one thing that is so important: to find somebody who loves me and doesn't hurt me in any way. This is the one stable thing I have in my life... hopefully I won't go and fuck it up.

The main issue that I will be working involves my ADHD, but I feel as if that is only a tiny aspect in my chaotic life. However at the base of ADHD is the need to control it. That's what my entire problem is in life; I lack control. I had gained a tiny bit of it last summer before I got pregnant. I was in control of my weight and it all stemmed from my body image issues. I was emerged in controlling externally what I couldn't internally. Lately I feel the need to resort back to this... I continually need to control what I eat in order to gain control over all of this constant stress I am under. It isn't working, however, which makes me feel even more out of control and I hate it. I just want to go back to repressing my childhood memories and focusing on my external body. I could handle that better than delving deep into my childhood to find what is really bothering me. However now I feel like if I can successfully go there I will be more able to control my external self in a more healthy way. This is my ultimate goal.

Sandtray

The following pictures were taken from a sandtray that I created in a class on Play Therapy I took this past week. This experience was extremely powerful for me because I was able to express myself through creating a world that conveyed what is going on through my inner most thoughts. The most interesting part was when my instructor pointed out that if I were to take away the mirror, the figure that represents myself would be able to face the "good" and healthy side of my world. Now that I think about it, a mirror is blocking my view of the world that is beautiful. Instead I am intently focused on my reflection. 

Baby Shower

Yesterday was Logan's belated baby shower; it had it's ups and downs. I hate being the focal point of any event, so the shear fact that everybody was staring at me in silence while I open numerous gifts was a pretty anxiety-provoking. But the real upsetting part was after the party. I was sitting in the living room with my Aunt and cousin with her two daughters. I was holding Logan on my chest, soothing his crying, when my Aunt tells me that I "don't understand the seriousness" with my mother. I do know the seriousness, it has been haunting me ever since I came to the realization that her death is approaching much sooner than I expected. However, I am not going to express my devastation publicly. What good will that do? I always have to be the strong one, the one who needs to keep everything together; it's part of my need for control. Good will not come from falling apart in front of my mother. I am not in denial anymore, but dwelling on the negative is not going to change the fact that she is dying. She further said that she believed that my mom won't have the lung biopsy to determine whether she has the IPF or Interstitial Lung Disease. After asking her if she would want to find out, there was a long pause of silence, with an answer of "I don't know." I know I wouldn't want to know the poison that's slowly taking my life away. Pure knowledge does not change fact: she will die. 

There's that word again: death. It scares the shit out of me to even say the word. Your whole life there was somebody there and one day they are gone. Thinking about this is too much to take sometimes. Even though she isn't the woman who brought me into life, she raised me in this world. I don't even think I am done being "raised." It seems there is so much more to be taught in this world. Thinking that she will no longer be able to assist me in my life transitions hurts deep into the core. I am at the verge of tears to think she won't be there to help guide me through Logan's childhood. Or any other of my future children for that matter. She may not even witness the birth of future grandchildren. 

Don't tell me I don't understand the seriousness of loosing a mother.

Some quotes...

“Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve.”

Death

It just hit me the other day that my mother is dying. She told me 2 days after Logan was born that she was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, a chronic lung disease with no cure. She literally has 2-5 years to live and I have no idea what to make of it. At first I was in denial, whatever this IPF thing is, can't hurt me more than everything else in my life. But now I have come to the realization that my mother is in her final years and is forced to cope with the negative effects of the disease. It breaks my heart to think that she may not see Logan grow up and not see me grow up for that matter. How does one cope with the loss of a parent? I did not expect to deal with death at this point in my life. Yes, I have witnessed the death of two grandparents, but that was completely different. There is an expectation that one must deal with the death of a grandparent in young adulthood, but not the death of a parent. It's hard to stomach that she might be taken from me so early in my life course.

I know that there are advances in medical science everyday, but I believe that people who claim this are also in denial. Denial of the eminent death that will occur. They say that about cancer, but guess what? People still die every single day from lung cancer. It is time to start dealing with the feelings of death that will come and I need to realize this. I need to reevaluate death because it will have an impact on my life soon. Maybe not in the next couple of years, but definitely within this decade.

Recession Forces Women into Breadwinner Role?

I was reading a NY Times article today titled "As Layoffs Surge, Women may Pass Men in Job Force." I was immediately drawn to the title, wondering what avenues are going to be available to women in the coming years. Due to the typical "male" jobs residing in manufactoring and construction and "women" jobs in human services, women are left to take on the money maker role as layoffs continue during this recession.

As women remain stable in their careers, the male's job aspects continue to decline; yet they "earn 80 cents for each dollar of their male counterparts' income." Shouldn't these layoffs be a sign of the importance of women's work? I believe that society needs to finally see the equality of women and pay them their fare share.

In addition, women are still held accountable for fulfilling domestic duties, such as housework and child care. While women are out there trying to make up the slack from their partner's financial disaster, the men are filling their time at home by "searching for jobs."

What an amazing sight! As these men are laying on the couch, searching for the very few jobs left out there, their wives are working a full day and coming home to a stack of dishes in the sink, hampers overflowing with clothes, and the uncooked dinner in the fridge that needs to be made before the kids come home from school.

When will men get their heads out of their asses and start respecting women's duties in the home. I would postulate that men would have more empathy toward their partners, seeing as they are not working and must tend to the home. But no, they are still stuck with the idea that the women's place still remains in the home, even when they are out working all day earning the living!

The president of the Institute for Women's Policy Research, Holly Hartmann, explains that "historically, the way couples dicide household jobs has been fairly resistant to change." Well, I think it's about time for a societal change. A change in which women are respected in their duties, whether that be inside or outside the domestic sphere. If history teaches any lesson, it should be that women and men are equal. This has been shown with the recession, due to the importance of women's careers.

9 More Weeks

I have 9 weeks (and counting) to go in the pregnancy and I just don't know how I am going to last. This morning I cried over the one and half inches of snow that we got last night. I am extremely drained from this winter. Not only am I pregnant, but a new homeowner as well. Seeing as I am the only one around the entire seven days of the week, I am the one left to deal with the stresses of home life...the shoveling, cleaning, ect.

Let me give you another example. Last night, after a long day of my internship and the doctor's office, I made myself a nice sit-down dinner. As I was cleaning up the mess, I filled the sink with water to do the dishes. As I get done and drain the water, I hear a splashing noise coming from the basement. I run to the door and all of the sudden I realize that a pipe is broken and the water that was in the sink is now on my basement floor. Later, I get asked if I got to see which pipe the water was coming from. I'm sure if I wasn't already running late to another meeting, I would have had the brains to do that.

When I tell people about my morning, I also get asked why I didn't put my car in the garage last night. I wanted to scream, "I am 31 weeks pregnant and I have a manual garage door which makes me have to push it up....do you really think I was in the mood for that last night after a long ass day? I don't think so!"

I think was really upsets me is that I am not used to being this helpless. I am used to doing things myself with little, if any, help. However, the little things like 2 inches of snow has built up to an iceberg. I know that I could handle this if I wasn't taking on so much right now. I am going to school full-time, working part-time, interning, pregnant, and "tending the home." I don't have enough energy for this anymore. I wish life could slow down, I wish I could sleep for the full eight hours a night, and most of all I wish I could just breathe. I need to not worry so much I know, but how can I not? This is just the beginning. In just 9 weeks I will have a whole other set of responsibilities to deal with; I have to care for a helpless little human being. I feel helpless now....

Marley & Me

"A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote that farewell column to Marley, I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners, and pure intentions to help us see."
— John Grogan